How can one’s darkest moments lead to the light of knowledge? How can a seemingly horrific experience result in greater insight and later happiness? Through having to face and overcome four “tragedies” with the right mindset, I have become an emotional alchemist. I can now transform adversity into life lessons, resulting in growth. I wrote this article in hopes that you take bold chances and live the most fulfilled life possible, for I have found that we create our own lives and outcomes. 

While we cannot control what happens to us, I believe that we can control our responses and thereby we indirectly determine our outcome, and our lives. These tragedies catalyzed new thoughts and personal growth that has essentially resulted in me being able to live the life of my dreams and have the courage to start my own real estate brokerage utilizing a new, client-centric business model. 

‍My First Tragedy – Losing My Sister

The hardest and most painful of my hardships is the childhood loss of Jane, my older sister and my only sibling. Jane was a brilliant and kind person, better than me in almost every way. The one attribute that I had and she did not was self-confidence. Doubting herself and struggling with depression, when her long-term boyfriend broke up with Jane, it was too much for her and she took her life at the tender age of 17.
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Losing Jane was a hand grenade to my heart. At first, I was overwhelmed with guilt. I kept wondering what I could have said or done differently to give her enough hope and resilience to carry on. Within a few weeks, guilt transformed into anger. I endlessly thought of this question: how could she do this to me and our parents? No matter how hard I tried, I could not wrap my mind around Jane’s decision to end her own life, leaving everything behind over a mere boyfriend.

The passage of time changed my attitude and emotions. I began to feel more and more empathy for Jane and started to wonder how she felt and what she saw before making that mortal decision. Then there was the feeling of acceptance and less anger. I came to realize that my sister was so depressed and distraught that she truly did not know what she was doing and could not think fully of the consequences. I moved from guilt, to anger, and finally settled upon a peaceful acceptance of her love.

I can attribute the following lessons from losing my sister:

Become self-reliant. My sister’s fatal flaw was letting another person determine her self-worth. While initially a people pleaser, seeing my sister’s downfall due to her need for approval, I learned to no longer seek validation from others. My self-worth is determined by my actions and thoughts. I have learned how to generate my own happiness, motivation, energy, and satisfaction. For example, not needing the approval of business competitors empowered me to support Michael Repka’s drive to create a new, more ethical, and client-centric real estate listing model that has revolutionized the way people sell houses and changed the home-selling process for the better. 

Focus on strengths and positives. Before Jane’s suicide, she was burdened with absurdly high expectations as the first born. Her 99% test scores in both math and English were excellent, but the sad irony is that many geniuses use their intellect to overanalyze their flaws and Jane focused on what she lacked versus what she had. To help myself recover, I vowed to carry the best attributes of Jane in my heart. I became more empathetic and aware. I also became a better communicator and ended every conversation with family members by telling them I love them, since those being my last words to Jane gave me solace. With Jane gone, I wanted to achieve more in life and honor her memory by using her loss to fuel me to greater heights. My grades went from B+/A- to all A’s and I sat in the front row and became fully engaged in school. Until age 40, I lived for Jane almost more than myself, as I thought of her daily. I have now released this through finally coming to terms with her loss and now my focus is on my family and clients. 

Become an inspiration to others. While it is wise to learn from your own life mistakes, it is even more ideal to learn from the errors of others. I used the emotional loss of Jane and my other tragedies to speak on a volunteer basis at many local high schools, to at-risk youth, and suicide prevention groups, to give strength and perspective to these young people. It is my hope that by sharing my experiences and my unique perspective on life, that I can help someone else get through a hard night and realize that the sun will rise just as beautifully tomorrow. Losing Jane gave me a resilience that prepared me for quickly overcoming three subsequent hardships.

My Second Tragedy – A Nearly Fatal Car Accident

On the morning of August 17th, 1998, my prospects never seemed brighter. I had recently graduated from Berkeley Law School, passed the California Bar Exam, and was slated to start as a patent and trademark attorney at Wilson Sonsini Goodrich & Rosati in a few weeks. I was visiting my parents in Florida and went on a walk that would nearly end and forever change my life.

My father and I were conversing about how excited I was for my move to Palo Alto while walking along the sidewalk; then, without warning, my life changed. Behind me and my father, a car traveling over forty miles per hour veered off the road and, without braking, slammed into my right leg.  The force of the impact catapulted my body upward and ripped me out of my shoes. I was launched above the hood of the car. My right shoulder and upper arm crashed through the windshield, breaking several bones in the process. My body landed, contorted and mangled, half in and half out of the speeding vehicle which showed no sign of slowing down. My head and upper body were wedged against the passenger seat while my legs were painfully sprawled out over the hood of the car.

I screamed in agony, as extreme, searing pain tore through my body and inner core. Through my teary eyes and horrified screams, I looked at my throbbing leg and saw it twisted in an unnatural and hideous manner, pierced and punctured by broken glass fragments from the windshield. Then I noticed the clouds darting along overhead and realized that somehow, I was moving. I suddenly stopped screaming when, through the haze of pain, I felt a new source of force being applied to my body.  

Confused as to where the blows were coming from, I looked up and will never forget the dilated, bloodshot eyes of my attacker. He was clearly under the influence of mind-altering drugs. His manic eyes glared at me with an animalistic hatred and darted back and forth between me and ahead at the cars he was dashing past. His face was drenched in sweat. While beating me, he screamed, “Get Out! Get Out!” in a guttural, ravenous snarl. Doing my best to block his punches, I did my best to resist him pushing me out of the speeding car.

After my attacker ran several red lights with my twisted body still stuck through the windshield, he finally was forced to stop when there were cars filling up all of the lanes. Once that happened, I immediately tried to get out, but could not open the door with my right arm, which was badly broken. Using my left arm, I pulled the door latch and was able to barely open the door and began frantically trying to escape from his car. But because both my right arm and leg were badly broken, I could not disentangle myself. Finally, my attacker violently shoved my body out of the car and my broken arm slammed against the door and ground. I slowly writhed away from the car while feeling an unbelievable and unbearable pain coursing through the right side of my body. I looked at my right arm and saw that it was pulled backwards and dangling limply. My first thought was that I would never be able to write again. Then, I heard approaching sirens in the background. 

My attacker was soon identified and arrested. They found out that just two days earlier he had been arrested on felony charges for attempting to sell drugs to minors. Tests found that he was on horse tranquilizers (ketamine), methamphetamines, ecstasy, and marijuana when the accident happened. Apparently, he blacked out due to all of the drug use and that is why he swerved off of the road into me. In his delusional mindset, he said I was a “demon from the sky attacking him,” which is why he had to punch me and was screaming “Get out!” at me. My attacker was sentenced to seven years in prison and was released early due to good behavior.  

Just a decade after losing my sister, my parents almost lost their only son. With this huge fork in my life, would this accident shatter my future as it shattered many of my bones?  While I could not control the event, lying there in pain in the hospital bed made me realize that getting back up again and living life to the fullest was solely up to me and my mindset.

I am thankful to say that my life is truthfully better and more fulfilled because this accident occurred. While this accident could have forever kept me down and depressed, the power of the mind to overcome all obstacles is our greatest gift. With this mindset and a determination to not let my attacker lessen my life, I had many epiphanies during this physically painful, but mentally fulfilling time of my life.

Life Lessons from My Accident

I think that life events are neither inherently good nor bad. Instead, life events are open to our interpretation and we can shape the outcome simply by our mindset. This accident, where the most likely outcome was losing my life, positively shaped my life instead and led me to:
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Find a new life purpose. Before the accident, I felt that my life purpose was happiness. I wanted to first focus on making myself happy and then share this with others. However, the several months I spent convalescing really gave me a newfound perspective and appreciation for life. I realized that with the right mindset, seeking growth and being forgiving of myself, I could use this setback as a launching pad for self-improvement and doing great things in this world. I now have made growth my life purpose. I want to grow as much as I can, and help others evolve to their full potential. The beautiful part about focusing on growth as my life’s purpose, is that I can embrace the full spectrum of emotions, rather than just valuing happiness as before. Mindset is excellent for transforming seemingly tragic circumstances into greater life growth and fulfillment. 

Live life to the fullest. I have viewed studies which showed that pedestrians hit by speeding vehicles going 40 mph or more have an 85% chance of dying. Having come so close to death, I have gained a greater appreciation of life. I do not fear failure, I fear living a mediocre life. I do not want a life filled with regrets. The greatest crime against life is boredom. We have only one life and it could end at any moment. I now seek to live a life so great that it eliminates any fear of death.

Pursue passion – leaving law for real estate.
I was a very good lawyer and was proud to be working at Wilson Sonsini, one of the preeminent law firms in the nation. However, my accident showed me how fleeting life can be and this gave me the courage to pursue my passion for real estate. I always loved real estate and felt that there was a lot of inefficiency and room to improve this industry versus the efficiency of elite international law firms. Michael Repka and I drew from our backgrounds in law to create a new, team-based, salaried specialist model that is very similar to how a large law firm operates.

Forgive. I have given hundreds of inspirational speeches on a volunteer basis and at real estate conferences as a keynote speaker. I am always asked what I think of my attacker. I honestly reply, “I don’t,” for I have forgiven and nearly forgotten my attacker. I highly recommend the book Forgive for Good by Dr. Luskin, the Director of Stanford’s Forgiveness Project, which talks about the medical and psychological benefits of forgiveness.   

Love yourself. Realizing that life may end at any moment, I will not waste my limited time being beholden to the approval of others. The goal in life is to be your truly unique self and to find likeminded people to grow together. Wasting time and energy caring about what others think of you will lead to endless comparisons and will limit growth. 
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Although these two “tragedies” caused me great hardship, in many ways, my life is much more fulfilled and I appreciate every moment, as I know how fleeting life may be. While I do not wish adversity upon anyone, with the right mindset, you can gain resilience and wisdom when overcoming life’s hardships. It is important to leave a legacy, as I know life is ephemeral. The life lessons I learned instilled me with the courage to follow my passion for real estate.